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Post-Romantic Stress Disorder: What to Do When the Honeymoon Is Over, by John Bradshaw
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About the Author
John Bradshaw (1933-2016) has been called "America's leading personal growth expert." The author of five New York Times bestsellers, Bradshaw On: The Family, Healing the Shame That Binds You, Homecoming, Creating Love, and Family Secrets. He created and hosted four nationally broadcast PBS television series based on his best-selling books. John pioneered the concept of the "Inner Child" and brought the term "dysfunctional family" into the mainstream. He has touched and changed millions of lives through his books, television series, and his lectures and workshops around the country. During his career he worked as a counselor, theologian, management consultant, and public speaker, becoming one of the primary figures in the contemporary self-help movement.
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Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Richard Burton, on first seeing Elizabeth Taylor: 'She was famine, fire, destruction and plague . . . the only true begetter. Her breasts were apocalyptic, they would topple empires before they withered . . . her body was a miracle of construction . . . she was unquestionably gorgeous. She was lavish . . . she was in short, too bloody much . . . those huge violet blue eyes had an odd glint . . . Aeons passed, civilizations came and went while these cosmic headlights examined my flawed personality. Every pockmark on my face became a crater of the moon.' ―As quoted in Meeting Mrs. Jenkins Prologue As they got into bed, Paul snuggled up to his wife Shirley's back and then reached over to touch her breast. He had done this countless times during the year-and-a-half sexual phase of their courtship. It was the first ritual move that Paul used to initiate the foreplay they engaged in prior to their sexual interchange. Shirley had a clear and predictable response: she'd turn toward Paul, a signal that gave him 'permission' to touch her other breast. This interactive foreplay had become more or less unconscious, a fairly automatic exchange between them that had a predictable but nonetheless enjoyable ending. Paul and Shirley had been married a little over a month, still in the newlywed stage of their marriage. They had a robust sex life, and had mutually agreed that they'd only refrain from sexual activity if they were completely exhausted after a long day at work, or some form of physical exercise. So what happened next was a major departure from their routine, and took their relationship down an unexpected path. Instead of turning toward Paul as she always did, Shirley tilted her head back and said, 'Let's just cuddle tonight.' Paul was certainly not prepared for this. All day, he had looked forward to having sex. Shirley's response gave him a strong adrenaline rush and left him feeling like he had been punched in the gut. He felt like yelling, 'You've been different since we got married!' Instead, he held his tongue and shut down, saying nothing. He abruptly moved back to his side of the bed. He lay there motionless, his muscles tight and his breathing shallow. He thought about how vigorously sexual he and Shirley had been throughout their courtship. In the early days, they made love at least once a day. They couldn't get enough of each other. The sex Paul had with Shirley was truly 'amazing,' and she was often the initiator of their sexual routine, often suggesting new, experiential behavior. One day, she bought a porno DVD on her way home from work, which launched them into a wild night of passionate lovemaking and made them miss dinner altogether. Paul felt lucky he'd found a woman like Shirley. And now, this―just cuddling? Glaring at the ceiling, Paul blurted out, 'What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?' 'There's absolutely nothing wrong, I'm just not in the mood,' Shirley replied matter-of-factly. 'Can we discuss this in the morning?' It was prudent of Shirley to want to avoid a discussion about their sex life―or any other relationship issue―at 12:30 am, but it just made Paul angrier. He lay there feeling paralyzed, and Shirley's rhythmic breathing let him know she had fallen asleep. Paul was still aroused and he began what can be a divisive practice in marriage: he relieved himself by masturbating. Even though Shirley said she'd talk about what had happened the next day, neither of them brought it up. They just avoided it as though nothing had happened. But that single incident started a divisive pattern, and this scenario was repeated many times over the next two years. Three years later, they divorced at Paul's initiation. Shirley was deeply wounded by the divorce. Paul told his friends that Shirley had fallen out of love with him. He turned his energy to fantasy self-sex and two affairs. With his sexual desire directed elsewhere, he felt that he, in turn, had fallen out of love with Shirley. Paul and Shirley are an example of a phenomena I call Post-Romantic Stress Disorder (PRSD). Almost every couple experiences some degree of Post-Romantic Stress. Those with a 'good enough' attachment program, and with good enough self-esteem with relatively little baggage from the past, are generally able to work through this unexpected challenge without any scars. Some with poor levels of selfhood do stay together, living with varying degrees of satisfaction. But only 50 percent of all marriages actually stay together, and of this 50 percent, 17 percent claim to be disappointed, unfulfilled, and unhappy. After counseling over 700 couples over a twenty-year span, it is my observation that only 15 percent are truly incompatible and the remaining 85 percent can achieve a 'good enough,' fulfilling marriage. The 50 percent divorced and those who are unhappily married are in the swoon of Post-Romantic Stress Disorder. I've seen an alarming number of people throw away perfectly decent marriage partners. My major goal in this book is to offer you a compelling argument that will stop you from throwing away what may well be your perfectly good marriage partner or from ending a perfectly good relationship that seems stuck. A secondary goal of this book is to offer you the latest biological and anthropological data relating to 'being in-love,' the experience of lust and being solidly attached to a love partner, a state that is the foundation for long-term, lasting love. A final feature of this book is to present six new discoveries relating to falling 'in-love' and staying in an ever-growing and deepening love. ©2014 JOHN BRADSHAW. All rights reserved. Reprinted from Post-Romantic Stress Disorder: What to Do When the Honeymoon Is Over. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.
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Product details
Paperback: 288 pages
Publisher: Health Communications Inc; 1 edition (November 11, 2014)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0757318134
ISBN-13: 978-0757318139
Product Dimensions:
5.5 x 0.6 x 8.5 inches
Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.5 out of 5 stars
24 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#301,610 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
All Bradshaw's books are excellent. His work in the 90's was considered pop psychology which never did it justice. Now it's mainstream. He brought to our attention and understanding family of origin (FOO) core wounding, and ways to heal this pain that keeps on giving, not only individually but intergenerationally. He's gone too soon, but has left us substantial insights to heal ourselves. "Post Romantic Stress Disorder" is a must read if you're conditioned into the cultural myth of romantic love, and instead are seeking authentic love. I remember one workshop of his I attended he stated that hormones are God's great trick to get us together, but then what of the stirring the oatmeal time? We have a choice to keep repeating the same behaviors moving in and out of romantic love with same person, different body, eventually burning ourselves up or out or getting realistic about what drives our impulses. This book will answer just that.
This is the last book from a man who almost single handedly changed the entire direction of modern therapy and self help regarding addiction and healing from emotional trauma, starting with his 1988 book Bradshaw On: The Family and ending with this book, published in 2014, PRSD What to Do when the Honeymoon is Over. I happened to purchase the audio version of this book and I can tell you it is read by Joe Barrett who does a fantastic job of narrating/reading the text but who also happens to sound an awful lot like John Bradshaw himself!Each new book John Bradshaw wrote usually included brand new information on his opinion and experience with a subject but also a refresher on how the new focus he was writing about was related to the books he had already written. For PRSD Bradshaw did reference back to many of his own previous works, explaining how certain kinds of emotional and spiritual work on the self is crucial for a person to be strong enough to stay happily married to another but even more than that he refers to many other authors who shaped his opinion and helped him reflect and organize his vast experience from his over 20 years of counseling during which time he estimated he saw over 700 couples as clients. His large body, therefore, of marriage counseling is blended beautifully in this book with new discoveries in brain and body chemistry as well as other author's take on the topics of love vs lust vs deep attachment to one person vs all others.I cannot say enough about this book and found it a wonderful tribute to Bradshaw's already demonstrated ability to synthesize and teach about the best of both his own experience but also the work and experience of other experts in the field of human spiritual and emotional healing. Bradshaw died barely 1 year past when this book was published and so PRSD is his last message to readers about human behavior, hope, and healing. He makes the point early on in the book that the desire to find one person with which to bond romantically and emotionally is the number one lifetime desire of people worldwide. Based on that commonality, he goes forward to make many interesting and important points about successful marriages vs those that end in divorce. And that ratio of those who stay happily married vs those who divorce highlights his biggest message of hope in this book; that a majority of those who think that they must divorce are mistaken and that their difficulties can indeed be solved, often by marriage counseling, including the most frequent and confusing experience early married couples eventually almost always experience - a discrepancy of sexual desire towards each other. This occurs when what Bradshaw explains is the "DEA Dopamine Cocktail", the mixture of powerful biological feel good chemicals provided by Mother Nature for those in love, wears off some and/or is reduced after the first 12=18 mos of being together exclusively.I could go on! The book is wonderful and a great final note in the career of a man I was lucky enough to meet and speak with if only briefly at 3 of his workshops. All his books and recorded talks are wonderful but this book is a fitting finish to his ability to teach what is hard to understand. Human happiness and love. Thank you John!
Reading this book is Helping me through the PRSD right now as we speak. The honeymoon in love phase is clearly over and the work has begun. I feel that this book helps me understand that what I'm feeling as my relationship with the man of my dreams evolves. I feel understood and knowing that what I'm going through is very common and expected in healthy relationships is comforting in itself. I've found that my closest relationships force me to come to terms with myself. It is a tool to know myself better and perhaps that is the greatest gift that close relationships have to offer.
I loved it. My clients love it. He "gets you" and doesn't sound smug about it. Easy to listen to and not feel self conscious about yourself.
This is very useful in my counseling practice and to loan to clients. It provides a lot of insights into the evolution of a relationship.
Good summary about the topic but I really expected to get more "tools" out of the book. More exercises...
GREAT TO HAVE IN THE LIBRARY
It is "Eye opening" book. After that knowledge nobody will look at the relationship the same way. It is making you more concious, and aware. Huge step for self improvement.
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